Self-Image

At the beginning of this year I asked the question "What is real?" and now 11 months later I can say that the world is unreal. Whatever we perceive us to be is reflected in the world. It is nothing but a dream but it is up to us not to create a nightmare.

For me it worked like that. I had a cancer in me that was nourished by what I was taught myself and the world to be that was growing out of control and destroying anything beautiful in my life. The cancer was low self-confidence, low self worth and self-hatred.

I still remember when I met my teacher the first time. After we had a light talk for a few minuets that he used to relax me he looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Now tell me Carsten, why is there no love in your life?”

I broke down in tears. I knew he was right; there was no love, nothing beautiful in my life. But why was that the case? Because I did not feel I deserved it. I did not feel that I deserve to be loved; I did not feel that I deserved a beautiful life.

The sources for my mindset can be found in my upbringing and are related to my parents. But when I was sitting at Atmanada Yoga Center in New York City crying my eyes out I was 29 years old and I had the Atlantic Ocean between me and the place where I had accumulated all these misbelieves.

My parents had set things into motion but I was a grown up now and kept on repeating their beliefs. Blaming anybody would not help me even though I was holding them accountable but to change my life I had to make radical modifications.

First I had to make the cancer stop growing by taking away all nourishment, continue working on myself until it would start to shrink and eventually at a certain point disappear.

Back then nothing in my life would work. My life was one big struggle. I was constantly afraid that something bad would happen and bad things happened all the time. I worked like crazy, never had any money and lived with a roommate who had left his soul behind on one of his mescaline trips in the 70’s. I was guilt tripped by my entire family, worked with abusive people because I felt that this was what I deserved and did not even kiss a girl in the first four years I was living in the city.

Did all of this have to do with who I was or how I looked? It only had to do with my self-image.

Looking back at that time today I have no idea how I survived. Where I am now I could not bare to live such a life for even one day. I only can credit the ability to sustain such a great amount of hurt to me being emotionally completely shut down after having suffered for so many years.

Today my life is almost effortless with a great amount of freedom. I do what I love, I am successful at it, I am my own boss, live in one of the most if not the most exciting place in the world and when it comes to girls I can be as successful as James Bond if I want to.

Does that have to do with who I am or how I look? It only has to do with my self-image.

Hence my conclusion that the world is unreal and nothing else then a projection of who we believe to be and what we feel we deserve.

"Self-Image" Manhattan/44th and 2nd Avenue 11-17-08 at 03:41

Please check out my website at carstenfleck.com