About regret......

Even knowing that I cannot change my past I sometimes wish I could have been the person I am today 10-15 years ago. I wish I would have had more support growing up. I wish I would have had parents who had told me life is given to me to play and to have fun and that I do not owe them anything for being my parents. I wish they would have at a certain point stopped their busy life’s for a few minuets looked at me and had tried to find out who I am and what I need instead of only thinking about themselves. I wish they would have encouraged me to have my own opinion, my own taste, and my own way of live instead of wanting me to be like them. I wish they would have shown me how to listen to my inner voice and to never doubt it. I wish they would have given me a feeling of being loved and the knowledge of always being able to fall back on them if I needed to.

They did none of those things. As a result of their actions I ended up to be an insecure, always doubtful, scared and fragile teenager and young adult. I was programmed to be that way. It was always an illusion of mine but it became my reality and I lived my life accordingly. I suffered a lot not being who I really am.

I was lucky. Because of my suffering I started to work on myself. I did not jump of a bridge or drove against a wall. I read a lot of books, meditated, stretched, met a teacher and stretched emotionally. Today I am doing much better. I make a living with what I love to do. I live in New York City, to me one of the greatest places in the world and I am my own best friend. I can have an argument and stand up for myself. I have my own taste and do not feel weird about it. My insecurity has shifted to the opposite extreme and I have been dating quite a bit in the last couple of years. I gave myself the support that I never got from my parents. I am happy with my life and with myself.

But sometimes I think about my 20’s and so much sadness and regret comes up and I wonder where I would be with my life, how would it have played out if I just would have had some support, some encouragement. I think about all the adventures I could have had if I would not have been so afraid. All the fun if I would have had any idea what fun is at that point in my life. All the career opportunities if I would not have believed that I am not good enough. And all the girls I never spent time with because I believed to be insignificant.

At the same time I know that I cannot change anything about the past and I am thankful that at least now I have transcended some of the illusions I had about myself. I have still many years ahead of me. What I can do is to live life to the fullest now and catch up on all the things I have missed.

Now! Grand Street L train stop. Williamsburg/Brooklyn 01-20-08 at 3:30 PM.

 

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