For Kerry
I had a long day today. I spent hours retouching on one computer and printing my book on the other. It is freezing cold in New York right now and since I live in an old loft it is freezing cold in my room as well. All day I am sipping on green tea and wear my North Face jacket. Nothing can beat a real artists life! Around five o’clock I try to reach my trainings buddy Tony to go to the gym. He as so often (I hope he will read this) does not pick up his phone and does not call back either. It is six o’clock I am on my way to the train. At that point it had started to snow.
I get to the gym at about seven o’clock. I have one hour for a quick workout and since Tony is not there to distract me I get everything done on time. At eight I am on my way to kung fu training. From
8:30 to 10:00 pm I do forms and punch my kung fu brothers. At the end of class my sifu (kun-fu father/teacher) pulls the “crazy crack head” exercise out of his sleeves. The idea is to be attacked by somebody who is on crack and does not feel any pain. We do 1:30 min rounds of continuously kicking; punching, elbowing and kneeing the hell out of our partner’s kick shields. I am done, I am so tired but the blog, I still have to write my blog.
I rush to the subway. After getting to Union Square I have to transfer to the L train. I walk down the platform listening to Joy Division. I will get into my Joy Division addiction another day. I play the old “walk down the platform until you pass a beautiful girl and then stop” game. This is is an easy game to play since there are so many beautiful girls in New York. But today is a special day; I pass by this girl that is gorgeous and stop. Not too close of course but close enough.
Her beauty blows me away. The train comes and here comes the tricky part. To enter the subway car through the same door without making it obvious that you are trying to do that. Everything works out, I get a good spot with her in direct view.
So far I am just playing but now the trouble starts. My inner voice kicks in and says, “You should talk to her!”
How can I do that? There are people around us. How strange would it be to walk over there and say hi? I cannot do that. I start humming Barack Obama’s “yes we can” song that I just heard on youtube. And then these ipods! How can anybody talk to somebody else in the subway when they constantly listen to music? How do I get around the ipod? Well I don’t. I just let it go and forget about it. There are too many obstacles.
Then remembered my “missed life opportunities” notebook. A few years ago I started to dedicate a notebook to the times in my life when I do not listen to my inner voice. My inner voice would tell me to do something or to talk to somebody but I would not do it. My mind judged the situation and would tell me that what I want to do is either inappropriate or impossible. I used to freeze in these moments and did not do what I had to do. Afterwards I was always terribly upset about myself. And to remind me how stupid it was to not act I would write whatever happened down in that notebook to encourage myself to act differently in the future.
This exercise helped me a lot since there are few things in the world that I hate more then to pull this notebook out and to write in it. I think everybody should have a “missed life opportunities” notebook.
But now I am on the L-train, my inner voice told me to talk to that girl and if I do not do it I have to write the whole incident down in detail and I will be so upset.
I am trying to get some eye contact. She knows I am there. She turns her head and looks me in the eyes. When she realizes that our eyes have met she looks away. “Ahhh, shy, so cute.” We are getting to Bedford Avenue. I wanted to get off here to get a Falafel since all I had for lunch was rice and beans. I am so hungry but the idea to have to write about my experience frightens me. I made up my mind. I am getting off where she is getting off.
The next stop is Lorimer Street. Oh boy she is leaving. I hesitate for a moment and here I go, get off the train two stops before my destination. We are walking in a crowd of people to the exit. I catch up to her now we are walking side by side. It is now or never. What do I say? It is always good to have something in common. She is carrying a yoga matt that is all I need. I look over to her and say, “Where do you practice yoga?” What a great line! J She smiles back and pauses her ipod. I smile and say, “I am sorry but I had to say hi”. We are still walking towards the exit and I start to tell some yoga stories. When we get to the street level I ask her for her name. “Kerry is my name she replies.” Without missing a beat I said: “Kerry you would not give me your number would you?” She smiles again and replies, “I am sorry but I am taken”. Like a little boy I stomp my foot on the floor and say, “ The good ones are always taken!” We smile at each other one more time. I tell her that it was great to meet her and we both walk our ways.
It took me 20 minuets to walk home in the icy rain. I was so cold and so hungry but I smiled all the way. I did follow my inner voice. It does not matter that she has a boyfriend. What matters is that I did what I had to do, that I went with life because to me there is nothing worse then to not following your heart.
"For Kerry". Williamsburg/Brooklyn 02-12-08 at 10:45 PM.
Please check out my website at carstenfleck.com