Leaving

At the moment I feel like I finally leave the past behind. For so many years I wanted to break out but I did not know how. For way too long I did not believe in myself, was insecure and afraid. I left that behind. It was a long journey and at times very uncomfortable. I used to live in hell and to find heaven I had to go even deeper into darkness. I had to face my past, all the things that hounted me. I had to address my relationship with my parents and the rest of the family. Today I can laugh about it but while I was in the midst of working through these things I did not think it was funny at all. It was a huge challenge but I knew I had to do it to be able to change and to find out who I really am.

My life very often felt like being stuck at a railway station and not having the money to by a ticket to take the trip. I saw many trains come by, all these chances that I missed because I believed that I do not have what it takes to get what I wanted. Facing my past, working through whatever issues I had enabled me to go for life. Today I still do not know if I will live the life that I envision but I feel that I have what I need to try. I can afford the ticket for the train. Will the train bring me to the final destination, to where I want to be? I don’t know but the good news is that I am moving.

The process of self discovery is one of the most scary things we can do as human beings. We very often do not want to know. We do not want to go back to traumatic experiences we had in the past to see what effect they have on us. It was difficult enough to live through it once. Why do it again?

But honestly what else is there to be achieved in life then happiness? What is all the money, all the success, the beautiful apartment, the relationships we have for then being happy? But how can we be happy when we are hounted by the past, when we do not even know who we really are? When our whole life is based on an illusion on a false believe about ourselves?

Nothing will do the trick. The fame, the money, the success, the good food, our relationships can only bring us temporary happiness. The irony is that when we empty our minds, when we throw out all these ideas that we have about ourselves and the world we will discover that we are naturally happy, that happiness was always a part of us. There is nothing to find, we have been sitting on it all along.

Knowing how painful and disturbing self discovery is I highly recommend it to anybody who reads this. Many people I met over the years thought they had the choice to do it or not. To me it is not really a choice. I will keep on suffering in this lifetime and all the lifetimes that follow until I address what has to be addressed and find freedom.

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;

None but ourselves can free our mind.

(Redemtion Song/ Bob Marley)

It took me many years to get to where I am now. I worked very hard and even though it was terribly painful at times I never gave up. It was all worth it, every minuet of it. I do not know where my life is going from here, all I know is that I am leaving my old life behind. My hope is that however the rest of my life plays itself out I will inspire others to do what I did by showing them that going through the process will make it possible for them to live a beautiful life.

There is all this talk about making the world a better place. But how can we accomplish that? I have been talking a lot about programming and that our main source of programming comes from our parents. For many generations cultural and personal issues, believes and ideas have been passed on from generation to generation. Why do we tend to turn into our parents when we age? Because we are programmed to be like them. Self discovery, breaking the cycle, finding out who we really are, finding out that we are much more then we used to believe to be will change the world and if we decide to have children make it so much easier for them to be themselves, find their way of living and discover happiness.

"Leaving" Manhattan/ New York City/ Grand Central Terminal 04-19-08 at 11:16 PM

Please check out my website at carstenfleck.com