Beyond The Story
I am surrounded by people who have problems with their parents. I know that not everybody has bad experiences growing up and that there are loving and caring parents out there but my and most people’s upbringing I know was different.
Socially we taught that our parents are always good and we as the children are supposed as the bible states “Honor our Father and Mother.” As I mentioned in an earlier post society always assumes first that the child is responsible if there are problems between them and their parents. There is a lot of guilt connected to this. Growing up we feel we owe our parents; we feel that they gave us life and now we have to give them back. If we do what they want, if we become the person they envision us to be, when they are proud of us then we honor them, then we are good, and then they will love us.
But is this true? Will we get from them what we need when we do what they want? Will doing what they want, fulfilling their wishes, being successful, being rich make them accept and love us or is this only a dangling carrot they hold in front of us. Are we trying to reach somewhere, to get something that they might not be able to give us? How does all this tie into following the inner voice and what affect does it have on our lives?
I still remember the day when my teacher asked me the question, “Carsten, would you talk to your parents if they would not be our parents?” Would I talk to them if I would not have the story “parents” attached to them? Would I still want to talk to Dorothea and Ernst if I would not spent all these years in the past with them? Are they interesting people? Do they have something meaningful to say? Do I feel loved by them? Do I have fun spending time with them?
I took a deep breath; my answer was clear and sharp, “Absolutely not!” The only reason I talked to my parents, visited them, sent them e-mails was out of guilt, because I felt I had to. All this is easy for me to say now but was very hard to deal with when I realized it.
It is not easy to let go of the story, to let go of the past. Especially when it comes to people that have been so close to us for such a long time. I started to look into why I felt that way, why I had a guilt relationship why I felt not loved. The fire of truth took over and I went through very painful times. It is very hard to admit what is really going on. Since the truth is unbearably painful we make up these stories about who our parents are, we paint a pretty picture, we imagine them to be much better then they are and find excuses for their action. The truth ends these mind games and leaves only what is really happening.
The main issue was that there was no love. Even though my mother would say she loves me, my father was too emotionally repressed to be able to do that, something did not feel right. The action was missing. Love is action and there was no action. Accepting that my parents do not love me (I already see some of you to come up with excuses for them right now) was a hard thing to do. I had to do it step by step and work on them individually. I was very honest with them and gave them the possibility to build a loving relationship. They were not interested because for them what we had before worked perfectly. Our relationship ended.
It was a very painful process but now I am free. I am not sitting on a sofa in Germany to talk about nothing with a woman that in the 37 years I am around not has taken five minuets to look at her son to understand who this person is, hoping that one day she will love me for who I am. I am not having these endless talks with my father about the crumbling economy, that everything is going down anyway and do not have to listen to his detailed stories about his dog shitting on the living room carpet. I am not having stomach cramps because I want to tell them that they drive me crazy but feel bad to do so. I am free and I am doing my thing. I am spending my time with people who are positive, who have something interesting to say and love me.
The main problem is hope. We hope that these people that we have known for so long and never have been who we wanted them to be one day like through a miracle change and are what we always imagined them to be but never were. Our mind always makes them better then what they really are. And we go back over and over and over again only to find out that this will never happen.
Why do I sit here and write this long blog late at night? Because I see so many people suffer as much as I used to suffer. To me it is sometimes almost comical. If you suffer why would you go and visit them? But then I remind myself how many years it took me to let go of my attachment and how painful it was. Today I sometimes even forget that they exist.
I want to say to all of you who read this and who have problems with their parents to be honest to yourself. Give up the hope that they will miraclelly change one day. Without the past, without the “parent” story they are just like anybody else. If they are interesting, loving, nice people we want to spent time with them otherwise we will find somebody else to hang out with who has these attributes.
This is living beyond the story this is freedom.
"Beyond the Story" Manhattan/ New York City/ H & M on 42nd Street 05-29-08 at 10:34 PM
Please check out my website at carstenfleck.com