Liberty
When I sailed into New York on the 4th of July 1992 the first thing I saw was the Statue Of Liberty. It was a big moment. I was 21 and would finally get to see this city where the buildings touch the clouds and anything is possible. At least that was how people back in Germany believed the city to be.
About half an hour later we passed by the World Trade Center. It was a humid day. The tops of the towers were hidden in the clouds.
“Lady Liberty” is throughout the world a symbol for freedom and democracy. But for me she has an even deeper meaning. She is a symbol for my liberation.
On the 4th of July 1992 I might have looked to an outsider like a normal shy 21 year old guy who still has to figure out a couple of things but the truth was that I was doomed. I had lots of emotional problems. I was living in emotional and mental hell. I had no self-confidence and no self worth. I believed that the world is a dark place full of suffering and that I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
My experiences confirmed my beliefs. On the ship I worked like a dog with sometimes as little as two hours of sleep. Officers would scream at me all day long and they would use any opportunity to tell us how worthless and how replaceable we are. I did not mind that treatment. It only confirmed what I believed to deserve.
There was another side in me as well though. The part that believed that there was a place for me in the world, that I am talented and able to show it. That there is some hope. But the feeling of unworthiness always got the upper hand.
When I saw the Statue Of Liberty that day I had no idea what freedom was. I was locked up on this ship with 200 other guys and not allowed to leave, at least as long as I did not want to end up in prison. At home all that was waiting for me was to be pushed around by my family at their will and my job in a bank that I hated. Working there made me feel particularly imprisoned. I was stuck at work wearing tie and suit from 8 to 5, outside life was happening and I was not a part of it. I was in such a wrong place but had no idea how to escape.
Mentally I was not free either. I was very shy because I had no self-confidence. At age 21 I was not only still a virgin I had not even French kissed a girl or had had a girlfriend.
When I say I was doomed I mean that I was in the process of becoming a carbon copy of my father. In part because of the mental programming I received at a very young age and in part because of my mother torturing me as much as the had tortured him before they got divorced.
I was about to turn into a Zombie, a walking dead at a very young age. This is what my parents and millions of other people are. They have died emotionally a long time ago but they are still waiting for their physical death.
Many years have passed by since then. I quit working in the bank, became a photographer and moved to New York City. I met my spiritual teacher and did a lot of work.
Today I sometimes have a hard time to believe how free I am. How was I able to accomplish that?
By letting go of all the ideas I had about myself, letting go of my family, letting go of my cultural background, letting go of what I was told to do, by letting go of my mind.
I am looking up to the “Statue Of Liberty” on this beautiful summer day, I'm standing on the deck of the “Half Moon” while loud rock music is blasting more then 16 years after I had seen her the first time. I smile and it feels like she is smiling back to me.
Today we both know what freedom is.
"Liberty" Manhattan/New York City/Liberty Island/Statue Of Liberty 08/28/08 at 09:18 PM
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